I've lost my goddamn mind

We've all been doing extensive reading in the Reinhart house as of late.  Leo has been a terrific example setter for his younger bro in this regard.  Have a looksee:

bookish leo

that's right gus. books are your friends!

As long as Gus doesn't start to imitate this more:

not pretty

then I'm cool with their sibling connection.  God knows I need another child screaming in my face because Vinko the Dancing Bear song just ended and I have to jump up and press the button to make it repeat.   

Remember my fear about being essentially alone and delivering LMS on our kitchen floor?  That vision actually started the same day Gus was born because his labor was incredibly fast.  For awhile after Gus was born it was all I could think about (over a year ago now).  So much so that I even researched natural childbirth and chatted with a few who had done it just in case I should need to do it the third time around.  With Gus I simply wasn't mentally prepared for THAT kind of pain.  The kind of pain that feels as though someone has taken ahold of your ribcage with both hands and is inch by brutal inch slowly ripping your body in half down your abdomen as though skin and nerves and organs were giftwrap on a Christmas present.  Then repeat that pain every two minutes.  Then every minute.

Gus came on me too quickly.  I remember keeping my eyes closed during contractions--trying to focus and breathe.  Just breathe as Marianne took me from our house, through the park to drop Dewey off with my parents before arriving at the hospital.  As I recall Marianne kept talking and talking--I know for my benefit--but I physically could not respond.  And she said something to the effect "Do you want me to stop talking?"  or "Do you need me to be quiet?"  I either nodded or said yes. 

I kept it together on my own pretty well.  It was when I was admitted into our hospital room that I began to lose it.  I was by myself for a few minutes in the room on the bed.  I didn't know if Mitchell was going to make it or not.  That in itself had my anxiety shooting somewhere up near the clouds.  I didn't know if I was allowed to get off the bed.  But I'll tell you what I did know.  I was certainly going to explode.  And DIE.  I also felt extremely sorry for the nurse who came in whose arms and shirt I covered in a delightful combination of snot, sweat, tears, and mascara.  That's right kids.  I put mascara on before I left the house.  Told you I wasn't expecting this kind of labor. 

I got an epidural with Leo at 4 cm.  With Gus I had almost fully transitioned to get ready to push without any of the good drugs.  The staff waived my bloodwork and I got my pain medication in the final moments.  Also, Mitchell arrived.  Life was grand once more.  Except for that recurring thought of Oh shit...What if this happens again for our next baby???                

And then recently...in the last few weeks with LMS...my thoughts have been circling back around to this topic. This thing.  This idea.  Natural childbirth.  It's like my mind is belted tight to a dinky carnival ride that's constantly looping to a place the conscious me has been doing her damndest to keep fuzzy. 

One way I can think to describe my thoughts finally coming together: it's like zipping up a little child's jacket and then snapping closed the material overtop to keep it together.  

I think my jacket has been snapped.  I had this screwy thought that clicked into place.  What if I embrace natural childbirth instead of fighting it?  I've been compiling a list as to why I want to do this--but sharing that is for another time.     

For now I'm still doing my research.  I know.  I know I'm almost 35 weeks and there is a window that's closing on me!  But it's serious research.  This Thursday evening Mitchell and I are touring another facility besides the hospital where Leo and Gus were born.  Next Thursday we have an appointment with a midwife. 

I've either lost my goddamn mind.  Or I'm finally finding it. 

p.s. Only supportive comments are welcome.  Thanks.